Saturday January 19th I stood where you died. Then I died with you, but I couldn't find you anywhere, I couldn't find you in the remenants you left behind, in the peices of you scattered on the floor, In the things that were being thrown away or passed on to us, the things that meant so much to you are gone, given away to strangers and to people who didn't care. You left so quickly and yet months later I feel you leaving day after day. As I watched your belongings leave in a dumpster and in our hands as I see your home broken and empty, and as I watch your reason for dying living on in no torment of heart, feeling very little as I feel so much I wish again I could turn back time to show you there was so much more, there was hope and what you felt you could no longer hold on to was the wrong dream for you. Had you stayed, you would have seen this, I know it.

Sometimes Dan the best gifts are those in the ugliest packages, and as you notice this, you can begin to accept it, easily and without regret. Dan I wish you would have accepted the gift, threw away the wrappings and lived on.

What is left in your wake is small children without you to protect them , floating in this sea of danger and unknown fear with no father to keep them afloat. I pray that they are safe and loved and not used for sympathy as they grow older I pray they remember a glimpse of you and are not tormented with feelings that you didn't love them enough to fight the battle and raise them , if there is any justice in this life they will understand you did love them and thought you were doing what was the best, little did you know I don't think it was Dan, no not at all.

Dan if you could have only seen the future, the reason you left was not worth it, obvious toeveryone now. We watch as part of your memory is washed away in selfishness and immaturity, coldness and excuses. The love you thought you had is now broken and flaunted for all to see and we realize your suffering.

Tears fall where they land, grief burns where the fire was and the loss of you is found where you were loved.

Dan, Saturday night I missed you severely, I was working on a memory album of you and later realized that all the pictures, website, album, blah,blah,blah all of the little bandaids I had been applying to my heart are pointless and really don't stop the bleeding, as I stop and think "he is gone, forever and everytime in the past that I drove passed your house and thought about stopping, but didn't and everytime I wondered how you were and didn't call to find out and talk to you, I lost a memory of you. I lost a chance to connect with you. How terrible now that you are gone that I want to stop or call and cannot.

As I sit and wonder why
All I think about is brother why
Why did it happen the way it did
Why did my brother do what he did
As I sit and talk with your kids
So many questions of why you did what you did
So many memories of you as a kid
As I sit and wonder why
How can you leave them all behind
All I think about is brother why
All the pain you left behind
All I ask is brother why

Brothers,

The ones you go

to for help,
For comfort,
For advice.
When you just had a fight with Mom and Dad,
Another girl,
Or your boyfriend.

Brothers,
The ones you go to, to tell them that
You're pregnant,
Getting married,
Or just need a shoulder to cry on.
The ones you look up to,
Share jokes,
And talk to about everything.

Brothers,
They're there for the good times,
Bad,
And everything in between.

My brother,
He helps me with everything.
Now all he needs,
Is me.

 Grief is a tidal wave that over takes you,smashes down upon you with unimaginable force,sweeps you up into its darkness,where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces,only to be thrown out on an unknown beach,bruised, reshaped...

When we have done all the work we were sent to do,
we are allowed to shed our bodies,
which imprisons our soul like a cocoon encloses the butterfly
and when the time is right we can let go of it.
Then we will be free of pain, free of fears and free of worries--
free as a beautiful butterfly returning home to God....

Merry Christmas to my family, remember we all               share   the same pain and loss, let us be together             for always.......                                                                            

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Angel wings will touch our hearts................................................