The Mourner's Bill of Rights
by Allan Wolfiet, Ph.D.

As a bereaved person, you have certain rights that others must not take away from you. In fact, it is the very upholding of these rights that makes healing possible.

1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief. No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. Don't allow others to tell you what you should or should not be feeling.

2. You have the right to talk about your grief. Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief.

3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions. Confusion,
disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you
might feel as part of your grief journey. know that there is no such thing as a "wrong" emotion. Accept all your feelings and find listeners who will do the same.

4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.  Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced  meals. And don't allow others to push you into things you don't feel ready to do.

5. You have the right to experience grief "attacks." Sometimes, out of
nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.

6. You have the right to make use of ritual. The funeral ritual provides you with the support of caring people. More important, it supportively sees you off on your painful but necessary grief journey. later rituals such as lighting a candle for the person who died, can also be healing touchstones. If others tell you that rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen.

7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality. If faith is a part of
your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won't be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.

8. You have the right to search for meaning. You may find yourself asking "Why did he or she die? Why this way? why now?" some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the cliched responses some people may give you. Comments like, "It was God's will" or "Think what you have to be thankful for" are not helpful, and you do not have to accept them.

9. You have the right to treasure your memories. memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find creative ways to embrace them.  Write them down.

10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal. Reconciling your  grief will not happen quickly. Remember grief is a process not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and  intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

Did you know...

Every 18 Minutes Someone Dies By Suicide

Every 43 Seconds Someone Attempts Suicide

Suicide is the 11th Leading Cause Of Death in America

Suicide takes the lives of 30,000 Americans every year

More People Die By Suicide Than Homicide

Men are four times more likely to die from suicide than women

Bearing the Special Grief of Suicide

http://www.suicider eferencelibrary. com/index. php

The suicide of someone you care about is a devastating tragedy. It happens in the best of families and to the best of people, shattering the lives of the shocked survivors.

In many ways, suicide is one of the most difficult deaths to mourn. As you mourn the death of your friend or loved one, you probably feel a sense of betrayal. You have invested years of caring, loyalty, and patience with the deceased. Suddenly you are abandoned and rejected. Perhaps you have had thoughts such as: ?How could she do this to me?? ?Couldn’t he think about the children? Weren’t we enough for him??

Because you are bewildered by what has happened, you search for whys. A message left may help interpret what went on in the person’s mind before the suicide. Yet the painful questions remain: ?Why did he do it?? ?Was she angry at me??

You may also be filled with guilt, for suicide seems like not just a loss but also an accusation. You may feel that somehow you did not love enough, or that your relationship was not good enough. You keep rehearsing the all the if onlys: Why didn’t I realize how sick he was?? ? If only I had been home on time?

Working Your Way Through

Recovery from the suicide of someone close is a monumental task, for the process of healing a broken heart is painful and slow. The road to recovery requires you to accept your feelings, to draw from your inner resources, and to develop positive attitudes toward the past, present, and future. The journey of healing starts with small steps leading from darkness to hope, from death to a renewed commitment to life.

Learn to live with unanswered questions. We do have some clues about why people choose suicide. We know that suicides often the response to some kind of loss; to real or perceived failure; to physical, psychological, or spiritual pain. The person’s problem becomes the only thing that exists, and he or she cannot conceive that life will ever be better.

But even knowing all this intellectually, you can still feel very confused emotionally. Behind your questions is a broken heart that can’t be healed with simple answers. Struggling through the not knowing is extremely difficult. Your whys may never be answered, the puzzle never resolved. People who commit suicide often take with them the mystery of their life and death. You must gradually let go of the whys, accept what has happened, and go on living.

Allow time for bad memories. In the early stages of grief, survivors often experience playback of the suicide scene in their thoughts or in nightmares. You may feel robbed of pleasant memories and oppressed by this replay of the details surrounding the final event.

You need to own and deal with these negative images before you can get in touch with your good memories. As the hurt gradually becomes less intense, positive feelings will surface and become more frequent and longer lasting.

Acknowledge your feelings of anger. Instinctively, Survivors tend to reject the way their loved one chose to end his or her life. They may resent the deceased for checking out of the relationship on his or her own terms. They may also resent God for having allowed this to happen, or others for not preventing it. Anger is an investment. We never get angry at someone we do not care about. Anger, therefore, is not the opposite of love but a dimension of it - a sign of a love deeply wounded.

Your anger can help you survive and reenter life or it can become destructive: It depends on how you channel it. You might try discussing your anger with an understanding Friend. Or talking about it with God. Or writing a letter expressing it to the deceased. Ultimately, anger needs to be healed through a willingness to forgive.

Turn guilt into forgiveness. Most survivors blame themselves for what they did or did not do. They have the sense of something left unfinished, something suddenly interrupted. They find it hard to let go of their rescue fantasies.

Guilt accompanies many of our experiences of powerlessness and imperfection. It can paralyze and demoralize us, or we can transform it into self-forgiveness and a greater capacity for loving those that are still around us.

Healing Takes place when you realize that you cannot judge your yesterday with the knowledge of today, that love alone may not be enough to save another?s life, that there are limits to your power and responsibility, that you were not the only influence in the life of the deceased.

Accept the loneliness. Loneliness is the price we pay for loving. When a loved person dies, a part of us dies too. To some degree, the loneliness may last a lifetime, because no one can ever replace that person. An anniversary, a place, a song, a flower may bring back the memories, the aching pain. We feel the keen disappointment of not having that special person there to share in the family?s changes, surprises, sorrows.

Loneliness can help you realize the depths of your love. From it, you can learn to become more sensitive to others? losses and to turn to God, who is always there.

Draw from your own spiritual resources. You may be struggling with questions like ?Will God forgive her, or has he condemned her to hell?? While the act of suicide continues to be objectively wrong, contemporary theologians emphasize that individual circumstances may make it subjectively guiltless. Those who take their life may be so disturbed that they act compulsively; their perception of reality may be so distorted that their responsibility is greatly reduced. Only God knows what is in the heart of each person.

Obviously, it does not take your grief away simply believing that God will view your loved one?s actions compassionately. But faith will help you live with your loss and grieve it well. And it will help you discover redeeming values in the midst of your suffering. Trust that God will sustain you through the stages of your bereavement.

Rebuild your self-esteem. The suicide of a friend or loved one is a terrible blow to one?s self-image. Rationally or irrationally, the survivors may feel judged by the community for having failed. They may feel that the suicide is a disgrace to the family or the school or even the community. Some have a strong urge to escape to a place where they are not known. And, unfortunately, the shame many survivors feel keeps them from acknowledging the suicide and talking about it - an important part of the recovery process.

After the shattering experience of a suicide, you need to pick up the pieces, reaffirm your commitment to life, and rebuild confidence in yourself.

Be patient with yourself. Remember that time, by itself, does not heal. It is how you use the time that is important. When you can stare less frequently at the past and can recognize the value of small steps, you develop a framework within which the passage of time makes the loss not easier, but at least less hard.

Reach out to others. You can choose to let your brokenness defeat you, or you can decide to get up and get going. Once you have the courage to place your hurt, your sensitivity, and your compassion at the service of others, you have discovered the key to help yourself. For when the pain is used to reach out to others, it becomes creative and transforming love.

Take Heart. Suicide leaves deep scars on the survivors. But there is no turning back: you can not change what has happened. You can, however, change your outlook - from backward to forward, from death to life.

Those who have experienced the suicide of a loved one can learn to let go of blaming themselves or the deceased for their unhappiness. They can learn to live for themselves, and take responsibility for their own future. They can emerge from their sorrow with a profound appreciation for the solidarity they have experienced with others, and with a deep awareness of the beauty and fragility of life. And they can begin to see life not so much as a problem to be solved, but as a mystery to be discovered each day.

After Suicide: A Unique Grief Process

Authorities claim that survivors of the suicidal death of a loved one are an isolated and neglected group with unique problems and needs. Since the middle-ages the suicide victim and surviving family members have been labeled as weak, sinful, criminal, or disgraceful.

The resulting stigma, misconceptions, and social rejection have caused the grief after suicide to be one of the most stressful and difficult of all grief processes to resolve in an open and constructive manner.

We have developed no accepted norms, no right things to say to comfort these people. The time when they most need comforting is when their grief is compounded by questions, confusion, and self-doubt - and yet denial or secrecy is apparently the only alternative readily available to them at this critical period.

Just as the potential suicide victim often struggles alone with a sense of hopelessness and despair, the grief-stricken may also suffer alone. Just as the feeling of rejection may be a motive for suicide; the fear of rejection may also be a deterrent to coping with the circumstances following suicide.

Unresolved feelings of anger, guilt, denial, shame, disbelief, and failure may cause dissension and disruption within the lives of families and friends for months - sometimes for years. Case studies show the newly-bereaved survivor-victim to be at heightened risk to accidents, multiple operations, alcoholism, illness, emotional disturbances, malnutrition, to early death from other causes and to a variety of conditions related to depression or self-neglect.

Statistics show another death by suicide within the family is often a possibility.

There is no perfect solution to these problems - only insights and ideas which experiences have shown to be helpful. This booklet is an effort to present some of these helpful insights and ideas.

Grief

Shock and disbelief mark the beginning of any grief process following the death of a loved person. As awareness of the loss increases, survivors may experience painful pining and sorrow, often evidenced by a feeling of weakness, heavy sighing, restlessness, loss of appetite, sleeplessness, confusion, forgetfulness, and/or uncontrollable crying.

The bereaved may experience very real physical pain, for intense grief does indeed hurt. It is normal to search for the deceased - affirming his or her absence - to be preoccupied with photos, belongings, and memories. The sufferer may feel bitter, angry, and cheated, worry about the future, and wonder how to bear life without this loved one. There may be regret over things said and unsaid, done and undone; there may be guilt about feeling angry at being left alone.

Identification with the deceased may occur to some degree - taking on traits of the lost one, continuing his /her unfinished work, etc. For a while, the grieving person may withdraw socially because of feelings of being different or burdensome - needing to be with others, yet wanting to be alone.

Months after the death the bereaved person slowly begins to function normally, although duration of the grief process depends greatly upon the success of the grief work. In the last stage of the grief-recovery process the bereaved begins making plans and enjoying life even though sadness and the sense of loss return from time to time.

After Suicide Grief

As soon as the suicide occurs, the surviving group has lost an inalienable right to live an unstigmatized life.

-- Dr. Edwin Shneidman

Doubtless, the death of any loved person is a traumatizing event for the survivors, complicated by a deeply personal and individual recovery process; but after a death by suicide, the grief process is earmarked from the beginning by unique characteristics which both survivors and helpers should recognize.

Denial and Repression:
Suicide survivors experience shock not only because the death has occurred but because it is unnatural. We expect people to die from old age, illness, accidents, even acts of war, but we don’t expect a person to die by his or her own hand.

She/he shouldn’t have died that way is the cry afterward. As a result, initial denial and repression may occur, according to Dr. Albert C. Cain, author of Survivors of Suicide, who points out that people react to this shock in a variety of ways: confused memory, anxiety, feelings of dread and horror, contradictions, fantasy, and even deliberate lies.

Some survivors refuse to discuss the death at all or may engage in half-truths about the event. Some people refuse to believe that a suicide has occurred, rather insisting it was an accident or accusing the police of hiding facts. Often people have greater difficulty in accepting the death weeks or even months later than they would in accepting a death by other causes.

Search for Meaning:

Survivors experience a desperate need to find a reason for the death. In the case of illness or accident - even though the death may have been untimely or tragic - we know the cause; but with suicide (even when a note is found) we can never be really sure of the reason. There is always a nagging question about the degree of our own involvement.

How are we to resolve it? Some people shut out all talk or interpretation of the event, while others replay the event over and over, searching for an answer to the question Why Dr. Cain points out that many survivors struggle alone over the perplexity of it and the fit of the experience itself into the larger order of life.

This floundering search is the most crucial of all aspects of the grief process, because one must arrive at an acceptable understanding of the experience before one can properly begin to cope with the loss or to progress through the grief work.

Survivors need to remove the aura of shame and restore a sense of dignity to the memory of the person as well as to repair their own shattered sense of self-worth and self-esteem. This needs to be resolved or it may result in....

Incomplete Mourning:
Compound this search for meaning with denial, guilt, shame, anger, concealment, and evasions, withdrawal of social and family support, subtle accusations, stigma and taboo, lack of reassurance, and the absence of a chance to share grief with others, and the grief work can become severely crippled if not altogether destroyed. Survivors may then become subject to the destructive effects and results of unresolved grief.

Depression and Self-Destruction:
In his work with survivors, Dr. Cain has found these forces characterized by self-hatred, apathy, withdrawal, sadness, despair, rage, and a myriad of self-neglectful behaviors.

This self-destructivenes s s stems from unmet yearnings and unresolved grief. Implied disapproval and lack of empathetic understanding may drag survivors deeper into a depression from which some never recover, or into a pattern of continued self-destructive acts including suicidal behavior.

Increased Anger:
Survivors struggle with anger:

(1) At one self for having played a part in bringing about ones own misery,

(2) At the suicide victim for having deliberately left the survivor alone and burdened with this sense of guilt, rejection, and desertion, and

(3) At others for the social branding and sometimes outright ostracism.

Survivors feel angry at not having been given a chance to intervene, angry because they are now forced to face both old and new problems alone and to build structures for a new life neither asked for nor wanted. This anger is very intense, but there is no socially acceptable way to express it.

Identification with the Suicide Victim:

This is a time of reidentification ones self and a shifting of roles within the family. Survivors may experience acknowledge of the victims thoughts or feelings; they believe they know exactly what the deceased thought or felt just prior to death. This identification may go as far as imitation of the suicide act.

Some feel they can atone for their neglect of the victim by copying the suicidal behavior. This identification may be greatly intensified if there were conflicts or disturbed relationships prior to the death, or if the survivor depended upon the deceased for his or her own sense of identity.

Importance of Anniversaries:

Suicide family survivors place greater emphasis on suicide-death anniversaries. They may dread, or look forward to the date as a day of mourning. Especially crucial are anniversaries for each of the first six months; one year; eighteen months; and, for some, the second year. People strongly identifying with the deceased may choose an anniversary for their on death.

Withdrawal from Social Life:
Mingled with doubt and distrust is the need to be with people. There is a hunger to be welcome - included - but conversation and activities simply take too much energy. Fearful of closeness, survivors withdraw, playing out object separation, i.e. the repetitive need to reenact separations, drive loved objects away, and replay experiences of estrangement and reunion.

The resulting withdrawal of others completes the isolation and repeats the act of loss, reinforcing a possible concept of worthlessness, of being eternally unsure of self or others. Survivors lose emotional and social support when it is most needed, and continued isolation (even implicit accusation) is common.

Widows often refuse to remarry, feeling that they are somehow eternally scarred.

Profound Sense of Shame:

Survivors feel emotionally naked and can make no excuses - Someone preferred death to living with me. A€ People feel others are making the same judgment about them, and often they are. This leaves the survivor with a badly damaged self-concept. An acute sense of worthlessness compounds the feeling of abandonment, since the other person chose to leave.

Memories:

Many survivors are haunted by the vivid recollection of finding the body or of scenes of violence mingled with confusion and/or conflict prior to the death. Perhaps there were agonizing hours of waiting on the chance that the victim might still live. Many resent the seemingly cold, accusing attitude of investigating officers and medical or emergency teams.

These memories are relived and replayed through the survivors conscious and unconscious, often leading to the most devastating of all aspects of after-suicide- grief - which is...

Guilt:

Again blame enters the picture. Survivors search for someone or something to blame. Who? The victim? Friends? Family? Each other? One self? Survivors remember all they said and did, and conflicting thoughts whirl in their heads. As why didn’t I know? I did know. I could have prevented it, but I didn’t? Why?

There’s a feeling that others should acknowledge and share in the blame. Dissension may occur within a family as members attempt to select who was at fault in order to pass on the burden of blame.

This is a common occurrence in suicidogenic families, according to Dr. Joseph Richman, author of Suicide and the Family. Some people feel guilt because they don’t feel guilty, but rather are relieved that the nagging complaints have ceased.

More often, parents, children, and spouse feel directly responsible. Guilt compounds itself, and often what are actually feelings of regret may be interpreted as guilt. Guilt may complicate all stages of the grief process; resolution of guilt is paramount to health grief recovery.

Birth Order

Alfred Adler (1870–1937) was a pioneer in the study of birth order. His research suggested that the position a child had by the order of birth significantly affected the child's growth and personality. Research in the late twentieth century and early twenty-first century shows even greater influence, contributing to intelligence, career choice, and, to a certain degree, success in adulthood.

Being born first, last, or somewhere in the middle of itself is not of significance. What matters is how that birth order affects how a child is treated by parents and other siblings and how that child feels about it. Other factors also influence the child's socialization and the parents' expectations.

Birth spacing, gender, physical attributes, and being a twin also affect personality formation and the interpretation of birth order and behavior. These factors influence how parents treat children and how each child is viewed by the other siblings.

Birth spacing changes the dynamics of strict birth order, too. If there is a gap of five or more years between children, each child may be treated as an only child or as a firstborn. If there is a large gap between groups of children in a large family, each group may be treated as a separate birth order family. For example, if child 1, 2, and 3 are three years apart and there is a gap of six years before child 4 is born and child 5 and 6 follow in two year intervals, then child 1, 2, and 3 form a birth order grouping of firstborn, middle, and last, and child 4, 5, and 6 form another grouping of first, middle, and lastborn.

Gender also has a major impact on how a child is treated within the birth order arrangement. The firstborn of either gender, no matter where in the sibling order the child falls, will often be treated as a firstborn. For example if a family has two daughters then has two sons, the first daughter and the first son will be treated as firstborns. The daughter is the true firstborn, but the first son is the first child in the household to be treated with what the family perceives as maleness. Historically, this held true and usually contributed to older sisters not having a claim to inheritance because of their gender.

In addition, if there is only one daughter in a family of three boys, the daughter will often be treated as a first born no matter where in the birth order she is born. The simple fact that she is the only one of her sex allows her to take on the characteristics of a firstborn and be treated as such. This obviously also applies to one son in a household of daughters.

That sense of specialness also applies to children's physical attributes and conditions. If a child of any birth order has a serious medical problem or a physical or mental disability, that child rises either to firstborn status or lastborn status because parental attention is placed on this special child. Robust health and beauty can also skew birth order expectations. For example, if there are two sons and the younger is bigger and more athletic, the younger may be treated as a firstborn because parental favor and expectations are higher for this child. Likewise, if the younger of two daughters is extremely pretty and her older sister is plain, the younger may either be treated as a favored lastborn or as a high-achieving firstborn.

Twins and other birth multiples also skew birth order predictions. Each twin or multiple grouping has its own birth rank. The firstborn twin usually takes on leadership roles for the twin pair. The secondborn usually is more compliant and willing to follow. For the single birth children born after twins or other multiples, birth order is skewed because the twins or multiples have become special children and, in the case of multiples, are their own birth order unit.

Birth order research focuses on five ordinal birth positions: firstborn, secondborn, middle, last, and only children.

Firstborns

In general, firstborn children have been found to be responsible, assertive, task-oriented, perfectionistic, and supporters of authority. Because they often look after their younger siblings, they get experience leading and mentoring others, often rising to leadership positions as adults. Nearly half of all U.S. presidents were firstborns; only four were lastborns. Studies have also linked firstborn children with higher academic achievement and possibly higher intelligence scores when compared to later-born children. This may be due to more exposure to adult language and greater interactions with parents. Firstborns often choose professions that require precision, such as careers in science, medicine, law, engineering, computer science, or accounting.

Firstborns can harbor some resentment toward siblings because parental attention has to be shared. They strive to hang onto parental affection by conforming, either to their parents' wishes, their teachers', or society's. If this does not bring the attention they want, some firstborns defy authority and misbehave or rebel.

Secondborns and Middle Children

Many secondborns are also middle children. They often report feeling inferior to older children because they do not possess their sibling's advanced abilities. Sometimes, they are very competitive with their firstborn sibling. Others choose to focus their energies in areas different from those in which their older sibling is already established. This competition with firstborns drives secondborns and middleborns to innovation, doing or being different from their older siblings in order to make themselves stand out in the family dynamic. In truth, they often are more competent at an earlier age than their older siblings because they have had their example to follow.

Middle children can feel forgotten or overlooked because of the attention or demands of either the firstborns or the lastborns. Some of these children never seem to find their place in the social order, and they try to rebel or misbehave in order to draw attention to themselves. Some of these troubled middle children bully younger siblings or children at school.

Other middle children capitalize on the injustice they feel as children and become trial lawyers or social activists because such roles allow them to fight against other social injustices. Some middleborns become very socially skilled because they have learned to negotiate and compromise daily with their siblings and their parents. Some of these children are often called the peacemakers of the household.

Middle children have also been found to succeed in team sports, and both they and lastborns have been found to be more socially adjusted if they come from large families.

Lastborns

Lastborns are generally considered to be the family "baby" throughout their lives. Because of nurturing from many older family members and the example of their siblings, lastborns from large families tend to develop strong social and coping skills and may even be able to reach some milestones earlier. As a group, they have been found to be the most successful socially and to have the highest self-esteem of all the birth positions.

Youngest children may feel weak and helpless because they compare themselves with older siblings who are able to do more things physically and socially. They may feel that they always have more growing up to do in order to have the privileges they see their older siblings have. Some lastborns develop self-esteem problems if older siblings or parents take power away from these lastborns so that they cannot make decisions or take responsibility. Because of this powerlessness, some lastborns may be grandiose, with big plans that never work out.

Some lastborns transfer this powerlessness into a personal asset by becoming the boss of the family, coyly eliciting or openly demanding their own way. Some families jump to and cater to these lastborns.

Other lastborns engage in sibling rivalry because of the injustices they think they experience because they are the youngest. Some ally with firstborns against middleborns.

Adults Grieving the Death of a Sibling . . .

When a sibling dies, the world changes in a heartbeat. Oftentimes when such a loss occurs, others fail to recognize that the surviving sibling faces emotional battles on many fronts while working through the loss. Largely ignored, surviving siblings are often referred to as the “forgotten mourners.”
Within this group of surviving siblings is one that is unique—the adult survivor who lives away from home and is mourning the death of an adult sibling. In the case of an adult sibling, attention and words of comfort are usually aimed at the parents, spouse, and children, and not the siblings who may live far away.
The Loss of History Each family has its own special history and the shared bonds that are a part of that history. When a sibling dies, the bonds are shattered, and the history forever has a void that cannot be filled.
As they grow, children develop certain characteristics and talents. Brothers and sisters tend to complement each other by developing a balance of interests in different areas. However, surviving siblings will need to redefine their roles in the absence of this relationship.
The Loss of Future When a sibling dies, all future special occasions will be forever changed. There will be no more shared birthday celebrations, anniversaries, or holidays. There will be no telephone calls telling of the birth of a new nephew or niece. The sharing of life’s unique and special events will never again take place.

What Adult Siblings May Expect · Survivor guilt is normal. Siblings usually have a relationship where they seek to protect each other. Despite the physical distance
that may separate them as adults, this need to have provided protection weighs heavily in the aftermath of the loss.
· Guilt about how the relationship was maintained is common. So often as adults, the sibling relationship has changed from younger years.. Each travels a separate path, and sometimes communication is lacking and ambivalent feelings about maintaining the relationship surface. No matter how good a relationship may have been, the survivor often believes it should have been better, causing guilt.
· Anger over a new role within the family often occurs. A surviving sibling may now be the one expected to care for aging parents, and he or she may have to step into the role of guardian for nieces and nephews. Remaining family members may look to surviving siblings for guidance. All these situations are possible reasons to feel anger over a sibling’s death.
· Fear of mortality. When a brother or sister dies, it is natural for the surviving sibling or siblings to look at their own lives and question how many years they have left, and what their deaths would do to the family.
· Surviving siblings may find positive changes within their lives. These may include greater emotional strength, increased independence, and a soul-searching reexamination of religious beliefs. Some survivors feel the need to make a change in their life’s work, such as becoming a therapist, or working to effect a change in the area that took the life of the sibling.
· Even when a sibling has died, a connection still remains. Surviving brothers and sisters think about them; talk about them; remember them at special times such as birthdays, holidays, and death dates; and may create a memorial of some type. This connection with the sibling who died does not have to be given up to move forward in life.
Siblings may be ambivalent about their relationships in life, but in death the power of their bond strangles the surviving heart. Death reminds us that we are part of the same river, the same flow from the same source, rushing towards the same destiny. Were you close? Yes, but we didn’t know it then.
Barbara Ascher
Landscape Without Gravity
Understanding from Others Society often encourages bereaved individuals to feel guilty for grieving too long. This failure to receive validation of their grief can cause siblings to hide their feelings, causing a type of depression with which they may struggle for many years.
If the surviving sibling is married, stress may also be introduced into the spousal relationship. Individuals grieve differently, and the spouse may be bewildered and even unsympathetic that this loss is causing so much sorrow in their own family. This situation may provoke comments such as, “Why are you so upset? You haven’t been close to your family for years.” While this may sound reasonable, the emotions of grief and mourning are seldom reasonable—or even rational. Spouses may need to be told how they can be supportive. One woman simply asked her husband for a hug whenever she felt especially sad about the death of her sister.
College Students Who Lose a Sibling Those away at college in an unstructured environment often find the death of a sibling particularly difficult at a time when they find themselves extremely stressed. This may be the first experience with death within the family, and upon returning to college, the bereaved sibling tends to find little support, sometimes turning instead to drugs, alcohol, and other addictions for relief. Instead of helping, these habits hinder the ability to confront the loss. Many colleges have counseling and support centers. Consideration also may be given to delaying college for a period of time, reducing stress by decreasing difficult activities, and enjoying creative pursuits that provide positive ways of releasing frustrations.
Senior Citizens Who Lose a Sibling When the sibling of a senior citizen dies, often those around this person feel that it is more normal for people to die as they age, and so there is no need to provide comfort or even acknowledge the death. In reality, whether the sibling who died is nine or ninety, the loss still wounds the heart. Oftentimes with senior citizen grief, the death of a sibling is compounded by the fact that the spouse and others important to them in their lives have preceded the sibling in death, leaving a void for feedback, comfort, and remembrance. One’s own mortality is often questioned.
Finding Support Many siblings find help by talking with others about their brother or sister. However, even good friends can quickly become uncomfortable with the subject, often at just the point when their support is most needed. Some communities offer sibling support groups, and adult siblings are welcome to attend meetings of The Compassionate Friends. A number of chapters of The Compassionate Friends have separate sibling subgroups, and the national organization provides special chat rooms for siblings on the national Web site.
Often, simply finding another bereaved sibling with whom to share concerns and feelings provides a path toward healing. Adult siblings may be living in areas where no one knew their deceased brother or sister—or even of their existence. This can be painful at a time when the surviving sibling longs to share memories.
When your parents die, it is said you lose your past; when your spouse dies, you lose your present; and when your child dies, you lose your future. However, when your sibling dies, you lose a part of your past, your present, and your future. Because of this tremendous loss, it is important that everyone work together to ease the path toward healing.

Where Do We Go When Grief Comes? Your Grief Room
By Bill McDonald

There are many answers to this question, but we each move into our own personal grief room. No two of us grieve alike for many reasons: personality, background, intensity of loss, how the loss occurred, and what else is going on in our lives at the time of the loss

Grief rooms come in different sizes. Some are large enough for several people; others will accommodate only one. Generally speaking, men have smaller grief rooms than women. They do not welcome guests as freely as women, and would often prefer to be alone. This may often explain why marriages frequently break up following the death of a child--mother doesn't understand father's grieving style, and vice versa.

Furnishings may vary in a grief room. Sometimes it becomes a shrine, with all the wordily possessions of the lost loved, intact and untouched. Sometimes it is void of any memorabilia. The chairs in the room may be plush recliners, encouraging guests to stay, while other rooms contain uncomfortable stools, saying, don’t tarry. Sometimes the room serves as a kitchen, bathroom, bedroom and living room, due to the fact that we never leave. The important point to remember is that we are our own interior decorator.

The most interesting accessory to the grief room is the door. Some grief room doors are never closed, but are open wide, granting people the freedom to come and go at will. Others are closed, but a door knob and knocker will allow most anyone entrance.

Still others have the knocker and a peep-hole, but lack an exterior knob, indicating that entrance is allowed by permission only; getting in depends on who you are.

Finally, there is a grief room with no window, door, knocker, or knob, and the only person inside never answers the door. The door opens only when the person inside opens it for his own reasons. The door to the grief room is locked and sealed, and the person who constructed it has locked himself or herself inside, never to leave the room, never to move beyond the loss.

What does your grief room look like?

Coping And Surviving Violent And Traumatic Events
Michael G. Connor

The Emotional Consequences

None of us are fully prepared to deal with violent or traumatic events. We
feel devastated whenever there is a loss, belongings or property are destroyed,
or there is serious injury or a loss of life. We are overwhelmed when our
children, friends, co-workers and loved-ones experience tragic, dangerous or life
threatening events.

Older children tend to have many of the same symptoms of adults, while very
young children tend to talk more about stomach aches and other pains. Symptoms
may come and go. Many children can function very well in a crisis, but will
eventually experience some symptoms due to exhaustion and the effect of ongoing
stress.

Recognizing and discussing our emotional and physical reactions, as well as
ways to effectively cope will help.

Common Stress Reactions Following a Violent Event

~ Anxiety, fear, panic or anger
~ Depression, or worsening fear, panic or depression
~ Emotional numbing
~ Difficulty sleeping
~ Waking throughout the night
~ Nightmares or daydreaming
~ Exhaustion or mental fatigue
~ Change in appetite
~ Disbelief or denial of events
~ Reliving images of traumatic events
~ Dwelling on the event
~ Easily angered or upset
~ Accident proneness or problems concentrating
~ Increasing frustration or impatience
~ A tendency to isolate or withdraw
~ Neglecting or avoiding responsibilities
~ Fear or reluctance to be open or talk
~ Headaches, stomach aches, indigestion
~ Fear or reluctance to express emotions
~ Children return to bed wetting or messing pants
~ Episodes or outbursts of crying or sadness
~ Children acting younger or less responsible


Symptoms of Depression

~ Too much or too little sleep
~ Significant increase or decrease in appetite
~ Loss of interest or pleasure in others or most activities
~ Feeling discouraged or worthless ¨
~ A significant drop in performance in school or at work
~ Suicidal thoughts, feelings or self-harming behavior
~ Fatigue or loss of energy most of the time
~ Restlessness, fidgeting or pacing
~ Uncontrolled outbursts of crying
~ Feeling sad, helpless or hopeless most of the time
~ Episodes of fear, tension or anxiety
~ Frustration, irritability, emotional outbursts
~ Repeated physical complaints without pain in arms or legs
~ Abuse or increased use of alcohol or drugs


Symptoms of Fear and Panic

~ Rapid heart beat
~ Rapid or faster breathing
~ Indigestion or stomach aches
~ Increased energy
~ Dizziness or feeling faint
~ Frightening images
~ Restlessness
~ Weakness
~ Racing thoughts or poor memory
~ Frustration
~ Sweating or perspiring
~ Dwelling on fearful possibilities
~ Irritability
~ Trembling or "shaking"
~ Problems performing tasks
~ Avoidance
~ Muscle tension
~ Afraid to be alone, or clinging